i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
