i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
