We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
