The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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