just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
