I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
