Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
