somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
