I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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