why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
