hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
