Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
