yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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