It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
