I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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