I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
