One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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