i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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