Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
