The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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