Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
