I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
