What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
