I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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