My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think my fart just growled at me.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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