I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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