Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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