were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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