i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
