my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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