She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
