my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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