I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Oh god it's open bar.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
