my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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