A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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