Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
