I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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