I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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