so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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