I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
