the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
