Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
