I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
