Plan B is the new Plan A
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
