LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
