he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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