Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
