Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
