I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm always down for nudity.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
