how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
