ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
