She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
