I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
