i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
