I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
