i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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