May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
