I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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