Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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