I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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