We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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