Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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