I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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